speechless

totally speechless.

i have three very healthy children, no miscarriages, no major complications, no stretch marks and a c-section that magically healed two days after i got home from the hospital. (and i also have a nice half bottle of narcotics i never used!) this baby, although she doesn't like to sleep at night and farts like a demon, seems to be as perfect and pleasant as her two older brothers. how did i get so lucky?

i am madly deeply in love with her. it is so odd and quieting to have a tiny me around, a little bit of myself. of course my boys have lots of me in them, but having a girl is an entirely different story.

if i had to sum up this pregnancy in one word it would be 'harrowing'. top to bottom, start to finish: harrowing. i swore up and down from the beginning of the pregnancy that this was the last one. that there was no way, save a deity in person instructing me otherwise, that i would ever get pregnant again. through the entire c-section i counted the minutes knowing each minute was a minute i would never have to live again. and yet, when i met her, when ethan brought her to me with her goopy eyes and strawberry hair i felt an inkling. a little strength creep out of my gut, an overpowering desire to do it again. immediately. and i would. (please, someone pick ethan and other members of my family up off the floor). have no fear, i have STILL decided this little girl is the caboose of our family train. getting pregnant is a very selfish thing for me. it wears on ethan, it wears on my mother and most of all it wears on my kids. this pregnancy was harrowing not only for the physical symptoms but for the mental ones also. i cried at least three times a week, like a big fat baby, for no real reason. sure there were things to worry about, stress to be dealt with, but nothing that required tears to flow at such regular intervals. my kids saw me one too many times with tears in my eyes. not fully understanding, but i am certain as they get older it would have an impact. my 3 year-old once said, "i'm sorry you're sad mama," once again cementing my decision to leave well enough alone.

the pregnancy was flawed, she however, is perfect. she didn't come out as a can of dr. pepper or a crab wonton as i expected. i ate nothing but crap through the entire pregnancy. whatever i thought would make my stomach take a break from the dizzying nausea, i ate it. on the contrary, she is quite healthy. my OB commented on the placenta as she removed it, "oh wow, look at that placenta, healthy and" something something... the pediatrician (perhaps to calm a new mother) made several comments on how well her heart beat, her pulses pulsed, her breathing was regular and her reflexes strong. somehow she made it. she was even healthy enough to fight my OB and her assistant long enough to make everyone wonder if they would ever get her out. as soon as the incision was completed she stuck her hand out, they shoved it back in (head must come out first) and reached in to grab her. she immediately squished up into my ribs and began swatting at them with her hands above her head. (this is how it was explained to me by the surgical intern, i am not making this up.) they got a hold of her twice and twice she arched her back to escape. at one point (according to ethan) both women had both arms in me up to their elbows trying to fish her out. finally my OB put one hand in and placed the other hand on the outside of my belly to shove the little stinker down and finally got a hold of her. she came out screaming and healthy!

before i forget, a word about my doctor. my awesome phenomenal doctor. i picked her name off the internet, knew nothing about her and was pleasantly surprised from the beginning. while the pregnancy was difficult, the doctor visits were a breeze. including the final one at the hospital. i never waited more than 15 minutes for an appointment. i only had to fully undress once (to a pregnant woman this is a big deal), the glucose test and all other tests were conducted with such organization. i was surprised at the differences between my new OB and my old OB (she really was old. she retired!) even though this was my third baby she took time in each appointment to explain what was going on and to go over all those pregnancy things that are totally autopilot after your first. on my first visit i requested that she not use staples because they scared me and she agreed. she was on time to my surgery and talked me through all they were doing. my anesthesiologist was thorough and patient with me. since i FELT most of my first c-section he made sure i was numb, and BOY was i numb. i may still be numb. maybe that's why this recovery has gone so much better than last time. the surgery started at 5:30pm and the sweet baby was born at 6pm on the dot. i didn't make it back to my room until well after 7pm because my wonderful OB lovingly sewed up every single layer meticulously removing all the scar tissue and making a previously ugly scar neat and bearable. according to an intern from my first c-section, many doctors kind of throw everything back in and staple. since this was my last go-round i am so incredibly happy she took the time.

and! she did the whole thing 7 months pregnant! she is young and hilarious and i loved her!

anyhoo, my sweet little girl is here and i love her. i have ignored everyone to revel in every second of this tiny dream so if i owe you a phone call or a thank you note, it's coming!

p.s. in case anyone is wondering i had three c-sections because i decided that was best. i know what some people think about c-sections these days and i would just like to say, keep it to yourself. in my eyes they are not conspiracies concocted by doctors to make more money or to schedule their lives better. they are a safe way to deliver a baby when other options become less safe. i had my first because i didn't dilate. totally my decision regardless of what my doctor suggested. i had my second because i was a baby and didn't want to try a VBAC. i had my third because the thought of my uterus splitting in half was terrifying. why not do it safely. i know some of you had beautiful natural births filled with pain and satisfaction. and that is fine. you have every right to be proud of yourself, just keep your comments about c-section mama's decisions to yourself. (i am primarily speaking to all the bloggers whom i have never met in person... nobody i know personally. but good grief! there is a lot of trauma out there in the blog-o-sphere about these things. support the mama next to you, don't belittle her experiences!)