because it's funny

i normally steer clear of politics here, just an occasional blurb when i get fed up with being called an oxymoron (and sometimes just a moron), but my dad sent this to me and i think it's funny. hopefully nobody will get offended.

however i will say, once again, i am a democrat, i am a mormon and i am not going to hell. :)

Wards for Mormom Democrats

After volunteering as a host for BYU education week I’ve concluded that action needs to in haste be taken to preserve one of the Church’s most valuable assets…active Mormon Democrats. As a volunteer I listened as conservative educators assailed everything liberal or democratic and watched as audiences of 300+ hung on every word that confirmed their paranoia that the “world is going to hell in a handbasket” and Democrats are the cause of it all.

The Church since it existence has had specialized units to deal with the unique needs of its members. For example, earlier in it history there were special Branches or Wards in the Salt Lake Valley for German or Scandinavian members who had trouble assimilating into a typical ward. Today there are numerous Spanish and Polynesian units all along the Wasatch front. Changes are planned for Young Single Adult Wards in Utah. Apparently the current configuration hasn’t been successful enough in getting them married off. Although the intent of such units is to fulfill a temporary need of these members until they are married or can speak english well enough to be in a regular ward and hence the units aren’t meant to be permanent this often isn’t happening. Latino members into the 3rd and 4th generation are still attending Spanish Units because they are forever confused over the correct pronunciation of the letters G, H & J and Polynesian members can’t seem to fit into a regular Ward…they can’t understand why members in a regular ward get so upset when they think a good way to end every Sabbath is a luau at the Church with a
roasted pig. And since kids today are delaying marriage past age 30 many Young Single Adults “graduate” to single adult before they get married. So I don’t think these units are going away anytime soon. That’s why I think the timing for my idea is perfect…special Wards exclusively for Mormon Democrats! And with elections coming up in a few months, the sooner this is accomplished the better.

I have suggested my idea to our Stake President who just scoffs at the notion. But if you think about it it makes a lot of sense. Just as in these other specialized units that bring in members from other Wards to provide leadership each of these Wards for Democrat would have to have a republican Bishop and a Gospel Doctrine teacher from a regular Ward unit. While someone who is a Democrat could serve as a Bishop in a regular Ward (yes it does happen not often but ocassionally) you just couldn’t have someone who is a Democrat serve as a Bishop of a Ward for Democrats. Remember the intent of these units is only temporary until its members can assimilate into a regular Ward. If the Bishop were a Democrat this simply never would occur. And the Gospel Doctrine teacher has to be a republican (sorry no capitals here) because unfortunately a Gospel Doctrine teacher who was a Democrat would actually use the lesson manual when giving his or her lesson. You need a republican Gospel Doctrine teacher whose knowledgable enough to quote liberally from any one of Glenn Beck’s books or sermons. All of the other positions in the Ward could be filled by Democrats.

Establishing such Wards in St. George probably wouldn’t be feasible. It just wouldn’t be safe. Kind of like trying to put a Jewish Synagoge in the Kandahar province of Afganistan. And the unit in Utah County would have to be a Branch rather than a Ward. It’s not that there aren’t enough Democrats in Utah County, its just that they don’t want to “come out of the closet” so to speak. Although they in vain vote for the Democratic candidate, they’d never put a campaign sign in their front yard…and just grimace in silence at all the derogatory comments and jokes about Democrats made in Church meetings by all their republican Ward members. However, in Salt Lake County there are still enough Democrats bold enough to admit it that would attend a Ward for Democrats.

Granted there would be some unique challenges. For example:

• While the Stake would probably have trouble getting members from the Ward for Democrats to participate in a picket of a Gay Rights rally, these members would probably fulfill the whole stakes responsibility to help out at the food bank.
  
  
• One of the saddest tragedys in the Church is dealing with familes of mixed marriages. How sad it is when the second to enter the voting booth simply cancels out the hopes and aspirations for a better world from the spouse or family member who entered the voting booth first. How to handle those spouses, children or parents who are not Democrats but want to remain together as a
  family by attending this unique Ward is a dilemma for which I do not have and answer. I thought those who were Republican could wear red, Democrats blue (red state, blue state) non-aligned white. But that won’t work, those wearing red will be confused with University of Utah fans…blue, BYU fans.
  
  
• These units would almost always be temporary. This gets kind of complicated, but let me try and explain. While most “normal’ Mormons worry their kids are going to marry someone who is Catholic, Jewish, or Protestant, and pray constantly that at least the marriage will be to a “Jack Mormon”, Mormon Democrats don’t worry so much about the religious preference of the person their kids chose to marry, they worry their kids will become or marry a republican. And unfortunately the demographics seem to support that concern. What few children Mormon Democrats have seem to grow up so confident and well rounded they become weathy industrialist and renounce their parents political views in favor of anything that will keeps them from having to pay any taxes. Hence the greatest sorrow faced by these parents is their “wayward” children. So unlike
  the Spanish and Polynesian units where the kids go where their parent do, this probably won’t happen with a Ward for Mormon Democrats, after all the parents are gone the Ward can be disbanded.
  
  
• Another dilemma is how to deal with temple recomends. In a “normal” ward when a Democrat interviews for a temple recommend they just lie and hope the person conducting the interview hasn’t checked the last voting register before the interview when ask if they belong to any group that’s interest are adverse to the Church. In a Ward for Democrats they can’t do that, because the person conducting the interview already knows they’re a Democrat. I guess the answer to this dilemma would rest with a compassionate Bishop and whether the member is truly striving to overcome and renounce their aberrant allegance.
• I think the biggest problem in creating special Wards for Democrats is what is does to “normal” Wards. What with Latinos, Polynesian, and Young Single Adults leaving, if Democrats leave also, the “normal” Ward is going to get very boring. It would be like going to a Ward in South Jordan. Everybody drives Honda minivans and has 3 and ½ kids. I mean what’s that 70 year old High Priest going to do when he can’t gauke at all the 20 something Young Single women in the Ward. And can you imagine an international night Ward dinner without the Latino’s to make the taco’s and the Polynesians to do the entertainment. You’d have that same 70 year old High Priest, showing 1960 era pictures of his mission
  to Dusseldorf!

Unfortunately I don’t think we will see any of these specialized Wards anytime soon, and if action doesn’t occur soon it will be too late. There are two main reasons why I don’t think there will be Wards for Mormon Democrats.

One, if such Mormon Democrat Wards existed, it wouldn’t take long before the “disaffected” would find out there is actually somewhere they can go to attend where the emphasis is on love and compassion as opposed to whether someone is or is not intrepreting the Constitution “correctly”. Attendance would grow so large the building and parking lot couldn’t accommodate all who wanted to attend. It own popularity would be self defeating. All the “normal” ward would complain about the loss of membership.

Second, and the main reason why you won’t see Wards for Mormon Democrats is because the prevailing opinion is there simply is no such thing as a Mormon Democrat, so why create Wards for that which simply does not exist.